by Elizabeth Foss
originally posted at In the Heart of My Home, November 17, 2009
Good Morning Suscipio Ladies,
You know how generous Elizabeth Foss has been in opening her archives to Suscipio. As we head into a busy and often stressful time of year, I thought her message contained in this post, Surrender: Find God, was very timely and helpful. Do not think this post is only for homeschooler, it is for each one of us as we look around instead of up. Enjoy!
As I mentioned in my Daybook this week, I’ve scrapped the idea to write about depression. Ever since I mentioned burnout last summer, I’ve been struck by the emails I’ve received from mothers who were suffering burnout and even depression. They are not the same thing, but writing about burnout often prompts readers to tell me about depression. I’ve experienced both.
What was curious about my mail this summer, though, was that much of it — most of it — was from experienced, veteran homeschool moms who were looking at a new school year and struggling to find the joy and inspiration they’d always had for this way of life. It was as if some great plague was sweeping through the homes of established home educators and putting out all the lights. Dark and foreboding, this plague threatened to extinguish a great good in our society.
I believe in spiritual warfare. I believe that the good guys and the bad guys are duking it out up there ( out there?) and that evil prowls the world for the ruin of our souls. And that evil has a vested interest in our children and their future. Where better to fight the fight than at our kitchen tables and home libraries, on our field trips and nature walks? And how better to wage war than to zap the energy and enthusiasm of the mother who is laying down her life for this grand adventure in holy, alternative education?
Indeed. The Commander of Evil had a battle plan: Put doubt and discouragement in the hearts of the experienced mothers, the mentors, the teachers. Rob them of their joy; dry up the wellspring of their gratitude.
Instinctively, we turned to prayer. How, God, did we arrive in this barren place? Show us how. Give drink to thirsty souls who, despite the discouragement of our days, do long to joyfully do your will in our homes with the children you have entrusted to us.
We saw that discouragement and burnout creeps in little by little, one sleepless night at time. We have more children now and find that big kids rob us of sleep in an altogether different but no less exhausting way as small ones. And if we are blessed to have both big and small, sleep is a stranger indeed. Sometimes, we are so tired that we don’t even recognize that it is tiredness we feel. It’s a blurred line between fatigue and despondency. We are so weary we can’t even remember why we thought that this lifestyle was a good idea in the first place.
Burnout begins to erode the rhythm of our days when our guard is down and poor habits take root. The bright, fresh resolve we had as new homeschoolers frankly gets a little tarnished around the edges. We get a little lazy. We are still working hard, but yes, if we are honest, we see sloth in the corners and crevices. It’s time to fine tune the habit training for everyone in the household, time to commit again to the principles we know to be true.
Discouragement is allowed to fill the rooms of our heart when emptiness leaves space for it. A curious thing seems to happen in the middle years of home education. Loneliness. Co-ops become much trickier to navigate because they don’t fill the needs of varied ages. Mom’s Night Out is given over to carpooling teenagers. Time alone with our husbands becomes such a precious commodity that we guard it with our lives and rarely sacrifice it for time for female fellowship. Inevitable differences in philosophies of education further separate us from each other. And so very many of our comrades choose school in the middle years. The ranks dwindle. We are increasingly alone.
What to do?
Pray.
That’s all. Find God. In the beginning, we can be carried through the challenges of this lifestyle on the shoulders of great ideas and good friends. But that’s not enough for the long haul.
Because God knows that this is our vocation and that vocation is all about becoming more like Him. He must increase. I must decrease. I must let go of my notions of magazine-cover homeschooling success. I must let go of my dreams of children growing up in a community of completely like-minded families, never to be challenged by the world or left alone by a bosom buddy. I must let go of my idea of what this is all supposed to look like. Less of me. More of Him. Until it’s all Him. We’re climbing Calvary here and it’s getting steep all of a sudden.
My prayer must be the listening kind. Not the wish list kind. What is it, God? What are you telling me?
+Let go of the failures. You see that child who did something you never thought a child of yours would do? You see that test score that is so not what you imagined? You see that house that doesn’t look at all like the one you envisioned? You see failure? I see grace. My grace is sufficient. My plan is perfect. I will take those apparent failures and in the broken emptiness, I will pour abundant grace. I will grow there. Not you.
+Don’t listen to the sideline conversation about the excellent education at the topnotch private schools, the promises of intellectual rigor and growth in virtue. Don’t hear the women talking about all the good they are doing in the world outside their homes. Don’t even incline your ear towards the glowing reports of homeschooling success. Quit comparing. Take joy-genuine joy–in knowing that others are doing God’s good work. But don’t compete. And don’t compare. I want to see you improve and you will only improve if you fix your focus on me, not them.
+Be prepared to set aside your plans. Oh, dear, I know you love those plans! They give you great pleasure, crafting them and sharing them and envisioning how they will come to life and bless your children. But be prepared– because life will happen. And your plans will be cast aside. I will force you to bend until you break. And into your brokenness, I will pour my grace. First though, you will have to be emptied and laid bare, without the crutch of your own design. My plans are bigger, better. My plans are for salvation.
+Finally, know that you will be be scorned. When you receive only reproaches and blame, when the world looks aghast at the work of your hands, if you can know that you have done my will, you will know peace. And you will know joy. Real joy. The kind that sustains you and lifts you and lights the darkness and warms the cold, tired emptiness. Do my will. Live for me. Do you trust me? Can you surrender?
20 Comments
Trackbacks/Pingbacks
- Noodle’s 9th Birthday & A Short Homeschool Week 13 | My Apples of Gold - [...] A couple of quotes and a picture to share… I need to harvest the carrots. The tops are huge… ...
Leave a Reply
Stop By and Thank Our Sponsors
Community Button
Lots of Emilys and Elizabeths here:-). But absolutely NO evil moms or wicked dads. I’m so sorry if somehow my encouragement to homeschooling mothers read as discouragement to everyone else. Jenny’s introduction was inclusive and I think her point is a good one–this is a message for all of us. We are each called to a unique vocation. No one’s house looks the same inside as mine, whether her kids are in school or not, whether she works fulltime or not. Since Emily (of the Rapunzel avatar)–who is neither married, nor a mother–found encouragement here and I am frequently encouraged by her posts, I am consoled that we can all learn from one another. We all have common threads running through our lives, but we weave unique tapestries, according to our callings.
I write what I know and I share my heart. I know a big Catholic homeschooling home life. I know the sacrifice of leaving a career and raising a large family on one income. I know life after cancer and I know chronic illness. When I write about those, I don’t assume that everyone has had cancer or everyone has late term effects from chemo and radiation. I assume that people will take what they can from my perspective on suffering and apply it to their own suffering if it helps them labor towards heaven. But I also know what it’s like to have 2 children in college at the same time, to have a preschooler and being planning a wedding at the same time, to juggle deadlines and demands common to all mothers. My writing is very personal and if I were to edit and make is so generic that it fit every woman without exception on the first read, there’d be nothing left of my voice there. So, instead, I spill my heart and trust that other women will read and sift with kind gentleness.
This piece was written over two years ago in response to specific mail from very weary veteran homeschooling moms. On their individual walks, carrying their specific crosses, they experienced a need for God. A woman on a different walk, carrying a different cross will no doubt reach the same exact destination. That is vocation: it brings us to God. When the two very different women arrive at that same destination simultaneously, they can help each other carry respective crosses by sharing Christ’s message with one another or they can throw stones at each other.
If you read carefully the bullet point about comparing, it’s not specifically about women whose children are in schools or women who are employed outside the home. I’ve included comparing with other homeschoolers as well. This isn’t a piece intended to throw fuel on a war between women. Please don’t read it that way. As a matter of fact I said very specifically: Take joy-genuine joy–in knowing that others are doing God’s good work. And then don’t compare. THAT’s the point. If there were no comparing or competing, this whole discussion thread would evaporate.
In the time since the post was written, I’ve learned not to compete or compare. I’m not perfect at it, but I’m much better at it than I was when I wrote this piece. I don’t compete and I don’t compare. Recently, I’ve written a great deal on my own struggle to overcome the temptation to do so. Competing/comparing gets me no where. Often, instead, competing and comparing lead to inevitable complaining.
Instead of comparisons, I choose to look at the lives of my friends and neighbors and I ask myself two things: “How can I help her?” and “What can I learn from her?” I find this approach takes absolutely all the breath out of any inclination to compare, to puff up or to feel slighted, no matter what one’s specific walk of life. I also find there is much to be learned from the women in my life, and much to do to serve them, too.
Elizabeth Foss recently posted..Monday Morning Almanac
Oh Elizabeth – my comments were made in haste, without kind editing to smooth the rough edges. Jenny’s post a few days ago about words was spot on – mine tend to be caustic at times, usually when my guardian angel is too busy making sure I don’t walk into walls or something to slap her hand over my mouth.
I’ve spent decades trying to teach my children not to compare themselves to others – in only leads to tears. I need to remind myself of that on a daily basis, still!
Yes, we do need to embrace our lives with joy, to see God’s presence in others. Without judgement; without smugness and self-righteousness. Me especially!
I sincerely apologize for causing a ruckus. I am so blessed to be a part of this community, and my intent is not to be a voice of dissent.
Angela, I don’t think anyone thought you were being the voice of dissent. I did not take your reply to mean anything other than “Hey, I’ve felt that way before too.” You even clarify, It’s not ‘us’ verses ‘them’, though sometimes it feels that way.
No worry my friend, your Guardian Angel is doing a fine job.
Jenny recently posted..Book Club::The Imitation of Christ
I have read through all the comments and don’t understand, I didn’t see very much comparing going on? Angela, everyone has their own experience and I did not take that you were being the voice of dissent. My own experience is that I want to so badly home school my daughter…but i share custody with her dad. SO she is in a non Catholic FRENCH (I am not even french!) school. I surround myself with all walks of life and LOVE this site. I could not relate to many things in the article but I used them in other areas in my life and then I could relate for sure! Especially being prepared to set aside my own plans! God has shown me that my plans are certainly not his!!
It was refreshing to be reminded not to compete or compare. Women do this all around me. It’s in our nature.
I am ONE TIRED mama right now and I took comfort in reading what you all had to say. Great article and great comments.
Oh Ladies!
I read the Surrender entry this morning and wept from such a deep place! Our daughter Isabella Marie was diagnosed with Leukemia April. 2011. The past year has been full speed ahead. We had to move to the city for 9 months now we are back home but treatment continues for another year. I am now just beginning to pick up the pieces and rebuild. The problem is nothing is the same and I do feel very alone. Our 4 kids are older 11, 8, 5 and 2 and like Elizabeth said so many middle school kids head off to school. We are happily homeschooling now- really it is better than it’s ever been but I still feel alone and am unsure how to school the TEENAGER. Any advice out there?
Thank you for all your thoughts and good works ladies. The heart of my home blog has held me up through some dark days-thank you Elizabeth.
God bless you all
Becky Curtis
Washington State
Dear Becky, How deeply I understand your pain, as I too have had a child with Leukemia and subsequently relapse and a bone marrow transplant. The loneliness is real and for me there was a sense of guilt. Why am I feeling lonely when I am SO busy with dealing with the sick child, and coping with the usual demands of family life? And here I am at home doing what I want to do again and I still feel lonely. Loneliness exists because people who have not been THERE don’t know how to help, they don’t know what to say, and THEY feel guilty because they thank God that its not THEIR child. What they don’t realise is that even in the darkest times with my son, I never once wished this on another persons child, equally I didn’t want it for mine, but this was where God had placed me. People simply don’t know what to say, they don’t understand our fear, our anger, our sense of loss- loss of simplicity, loss of a childhood, loss of innocence I thought that perhaps the words from my journal that I wrote at a particularly tough time might help you.
22/11/98
“Lord, do I thank you for all of this? How can I, and Somehow I do.
As his temperature soars and I mop his brow I think of the women in Jerusalem mopping your sweat as you carried the cross
As I wipe his tears and rub his back, I see the suffering Christ as you are scourged
As I watch with fear, I see your mother- I feel her anguish, I understand her pain.
Thank you for letting me touch you, letting me feel your heart beating and YES
-for seeing your smile- in Stephen….
Sometimes it can be so hard to pray, to find God amidst the drama. Rest assured that I pray for you today as I regularly pray for all those families who are dealing with a sick child
Wow, this could not have been more needed or received
Love your thoughts (as usual), Elizabeth! I am trying more than ever to Let GO, Let GOD especially at this most JOY filled time of year 
Blessings!
Ann-Marie recently posted..Giving Thanks Amongst Great Noise
Oh yeah, this is not just for homeschoolers. I never was one and now my daughter is grown. As one who struggles to defend her vocation as stay-at-home wife, now that my time as stay-at-home mother is done, I found much to take away from this. Thank you for sharing it!
Oh, yeah, this was not just for homeschoolers. I never was one, and now my daughter is grown, but this spoke to me very clearly. As one who struggles to defend her vocation as a stay-at-home wife now that the stay-at-home mother stage is over, I found much to take away from this. Thank you for sharing it.
A timely message for me, for my family right now…
Kim @ Transitus Tiber recently posted..Monday Minutes
It is really hard to find any encouragement for the Catholic mothers who are trying to live a devout life and raise their children to be holy yet who have chosen to send them to school. I need this message too and yet when I read all these columns that are supposed to be for Catholic moms I always feel that because my children attend Catholic school (which we prayerfully discern every year) we must have given them over to the dark side. It seems all the Catholic encouragement out there is for homeschoolers only. Maybe living a devout life and attending traditional school are oxymorons after all.
Hi Emily! I read your comment and wanted to reach out and give you a big hug.
I’m a homeschooling mama but I know plenty of people who prayerfully discern that private/public schooling is the best for their families. And these are great, God-loving families raising great, God-loving children! I can understand in a way how you may feel excluded from the Catholic mama online conversation. I used to feel that way when I read all the articles about big, Catholic families. I often felt I was less of a Catholic because we had an only child due to years of losing babies through miscarriage. But that was the evil one whispering in my ear pulling me down in discontentment and willing me to despair. I now realize I needed to work on contentment. I don’t feel that way anymore. I think Elizabeth’s overall message is to turn to God…it’s not all up to us…be little and trust in His Infinite Mercy.
EXACTLY!!!!! I am not an evil Mom and Mr. Pea is not a wicked Dad because we chose not to homeschool, but sent our kids to our local Catholic school. I am also not a terrible Mom because I choose to work outside the home now that my children are adults and older teens. We have many children – several in college at the SAME TIME – and the income is needed to pay those tuition bills. How selfish would I be to waste my own education (I’m a licensed civil engineer) and NOT help ease my husband’s burden of providing our family? Yes, I trust that the Lord will provide, but His Providence doesn’t usually appear in the form of a direct deposit to the local university’s bursar office. *wink* Instead, He has gifted us all with talent and intelligence and the gumption to put them to use.
Emily, big ((HUGS)) to you. It’s not ‘us’ verses ‘them’, though sometimes it feels that way. We all have eyes to Heaven, and devoutness and traditional schools are NOT mutually exclusive!
Thank you Angela for pointing out this is not an ‘us verses them’ issue. Suscipio is a place to encourage. If a woman reads a story written by a homeschooling mother, she may need to reflect a bit to find the nugget of encouragement for her in her particular state in life. That’s the absolute beauty of Suscipio; we each have our own thing: state in life, struggle, fear, concerns. But we all share in the joy of living a faithful Catholic life and that life looks so very different for each unique soul.
I am weekly encouraged by such women as Theresa who works outside the home, is a Third Order Carmelite and has grown children, none of which would seem to pertain to my life at first glance. But then I look and see it doesn’t have to on the surface. I am more than my titles and she has a wisdom to share that I can learn from.
Same with you Angela…the possibility of being a college professor, an avid bike rider with daughters in college–I’ve never even been to college and can’t remember the last time I rode a bike.
And sweet Emily: single, actress/singer, apparent gourmet cook for one, and transplant survivor. Her words always, always touch something in me…that’s the beauty of God the Father; He knows exactly what we need to hear and how. Emily’s seize life attitude is not exclusive to transplant survivors…it’s necessary for each and every soul God created.
My prayer has been and continues to be that we can all learn from each other, support and encourage each other. And sometimes learning may come in the form of a question…how can her story teach me? And that’s a great question to ask.
I am very thankful for Emily’s questioning in the comment and you all responding lovingly.
Jenny recently posted..When a Hard Frost Falls
Better late than never eh? I have been having a *quiet* week as of late especially with the expectant season of Advent approaching, I am trying to see where the Lord is leading me in order to prepare.
Thank you for your very kind words Jenny. I am touched.
Angela…I did not take your words as caustic either. You have a sweet heart.
I have been on both sides…older children that went to Catholic school and now homeschooling my youngest. I count it a great blessing to be able to be home with her during the week to homeschool and at the same time realize this is not for everyone and sometimes circumstances do not allow it.
The ultimate message is *surrender* no matter where we find ourselves. To desire ONLY His Holy Will at each moment. Every night I see the many times throughout the day I fail to do this…but I don’t give up…I wake up and try again to live in His most loving Presence.
Theresa recently posted..Bilbo’s Journey {book review}
As usual, Elizabeth takes something I’ve been thinking about and nails it. Prayer has not been happening the way it should lately, and I need to get back to it, instead of comparing myself to my friends who have what I want. God is the only one who can really give me what I want, who can understand what I’m feeling, and give me the answers I need.
Emily recently posted..I WON!
AS usual, Elizabeth’s writing smacks me over the head and goes, “hey! Listen up!”
As we know, I don’t have kids. But I need this so much. I don’t have a lot of Catholic female friends. I don’t know a lot of people in my life who can relate to being an unmarried 30 year old. But there is someone who can relate–and I’ve been sort of ignoring Him.
And now I’m going to stop doing that. Thanks Elizabeth.
Emily recently posted..Catholic Women’s Daybook No. 16
beautifully explained
letting go of control and allowing God to be Lord of all, is the hardest yet easiest to do!It seems we must hit bottom before we can do it and then joyfully wonder why on earth it took so long
Wise words. Thank you.
Annie recently posted..Preparing for the rush
thanks for sharing this timely reflection. a dose of spiritual encouragement is much needed as i enter my little lent. i’m focusing on finding the little ways to serve Him joyfully while seeking Him in those (my children) that He has entrusted to me. ultimately, i desire to die to my flesh so that He can be radiated to all those i encounter. my focus is on my family – His will for me!
AD JESUM PER MARIAM
lena ~ JOYfilledfamily recently posted..Thirty-five