Theresa | My Desert Heart
MY trouble with perspective. I see the glass half empty, I focus on the negative, my vision is blurred and I have trouble seeing anything good…well at least with myself.
It’s not that I am not aware that my focus is skewed…I know it plain as day. But it’s the not knowing how to fix the vision…the obstacles that block my vision.
Just like with my glasses. I have been near sighted since 5th grade with not a significant change in prescription over the years. Usually I need them to drive, watch TV, or work. If I left them on while I was reading close, my eyes would just adjust even though I didn’t need them to read. Now…when I go to read or write something closely with my glasses on, my eyes don’t adjust…it’s blurry and I have to tip the glasses down to continue. I can read fine without them though. Bifocals? Oh no…not quite yet ready for them. But that would possibly fix the vision.
Harder to *fix* the vision of the eyes of my soul. Well, I can certainly change my perspective, my focus…but there is resistance…just like resisting the inevitable bifocals. But it could be as clear as this:
~instead of focusing on the fact that I have to work part-time instead of being home full-time, I can refocus on the fact that I am blessed to have a job that pays well and I am able to be on-call with flexible hours so I can be home almost everyday to homeschool my youngest, even if it means losing some sleep.
~instead of focusing on the fact I was not able to homeschool my older children, I can refocus on the fact that I am truly blessed to experience homeschooling my youngest.
~instead of focusing on the inevitable issues I have with some of my children and feeling like a failure, I can refocus on the lack of issues I have with my other children and know I am doing the best I can with all the different temperaments God blessed my children with.
~instead of focusing on the fact that we can’t live somewhere more remote in the country or woods, I can refocus on the fact that even though we live on the outskirts of a major city, it is a peaceful, tree-lined neighborhood that is literally across the street from the hospital I work in, as well as where my two sons work.
~instead of focusing on the fact that I am no longer able to conceive and have lost several pregnancies after my 8 year old was born, I can refocus on the gift of the four children I have, for there are many women mourning the fact that they can’t conceive even one child. I now appreciate the miracle my youngest was since I was almost 40 yrs. old when she was born with 9 years between her and my older daughter.
How to change the focus with the blurriness of depression? This is no easy struggle and one of my greatest crosses…and challenges.
There are days that writing in a gratitude journal, or taking time for more prayer, or going to Mass, or talking to a friend or my sister really doesn’t seem to help at all…those days when sleep deprivation mingles with the depression and I am not sure which came first…the depression or the lack of sleep. It is those days that all I can manage is to cling, even by a thread, to Him, my rock…to whisper His Name and ask His mercy and to help me refocus. And I know, even though I may feel numb or totally empty, that He hears me and loves me still…there is hope…
…I know it…I see it plain as day…