Theresa | My Desert Heart
MY trouble with perspective. I see the glass half empty, I focus on the negative, my vision is blurred and I have trouble seeing anything good…well at least with myself.
It’s not that I am not aware that my focus is skewed…I know it plain as day. But it’s the not knowing how to fix the vision…the obstacles that block my vision.
Just like with my glasses. I have been near sighted since 5th grade with not a significant change in prescription over the years. Usually I need them to drive, watch TV, or work. If I left them on while I was reading close, my eyes would just adjust even though I didn’t need them to read. Now…when I go to read or write something closely with my glasses on, my eyes don’t adjust…it’s blurry and I have to tip the glasses down to continue. I can read fine without them though. Bifocals? Oh no…not quite yet ready for them. But that would possibly fix the vision.
Harder to *fix* the vision of the eyes of my soul. Well, I can certainly change my perspective, my focus…but there is resistance…just like resisting the inevitable bifocals. But it could be as clear as this:
~instead of focusing on the fact that I have to work part-time instead of being home full-time, I can refocus on the fact that I am blessed to have a job that pays well and I am able to be on-call with flexible hours so I can be home almost everyday to homeschool my youngest, even if it means losing some sleep.
~instead of focusing on the fact I was not able to homeschool my older children, I can refocus on the fact that I am truly blessed to experience homeschooling my youngest.
~instead of focusing on the inevitable issues I have with some of my children and feeling like a failure, I can refocus on the lack of issues I have with my other children and know I am doing the best I can with all the different temperaments God blessed my children with.
~instead of focusing on the fact that we can’t live somewhere more remote in the country or woods, I can refocus on the fact that even though we live on the outskirts of a major city, it is a peaceful, tree-lined neighborhood that is literally across the street from the hospital I work in, as well as where my two sons work.
~instead of focusing on the fact that I am no longer able to conceive and have lost several pregnancies after my 8 year old was born, I can refocus on the gift of the four children I have, for there are many women mourning the fact that they can’t conceive even one child. I now appreciate the miracle my youngest was since I was almost 40 yrs. old when she was born with 9 years between her and my older daughter.
How to change the focus with the blurriness of depression? This is no easy struggle and one of my greatest crosses…and challenges.
There are days that writing in a gratitude journal, or taking time for more prayer, or going to Mass, or talking to a friend or my sister really doesn’t seem to help at all…those days when sleep deprivation mingles with the depression and I am not sure which came first…the depression or the lack of sleep. It is those days that all I can manage is to cling, even by a thread, to Him, my rock…to whisper His Name and ask His mercy and to help me refocus. And I know, even though I may feel numb or totally empty, that He hears me and loves me still…there is hope…
…I know it…I see it plain as day…
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I think along these same lines. It’s not an easy road. When I’m around people who always see the joy I feel even worse. Keeping a gratitude journal helps for me.
I also have trouble with seeing the good in myself. The whispers of St Maria Faustina Kowalska’s Diary is become louder and louder. Have you read it?
Oh, and just today….I wondered if the trouble I had seeing something was a bifocal thing? Really?
Well…I didn’t end up with bifocals after all but now have reading glasses in addition to long distance ones.
I have heard so much about her diary but have never read it. I guess I didn’t feel led to but I am coming across it more and more and hear so much and that, sometimes, is a signal from the Spirit that I should read it.
You strike me as very joy-filled in your writings…God is working in you : )
Hi Theresa. I understand your struggles. The devil’s tactics are to keep us silent regarding things that weigh on our hearts. Talking to friends, or if you are fortunate, a good spiritual advisor is a must. I struggle with my older children too and once prayed that God would give them supernaturally what I couldn’t naturally (i.e. nursing, stay-at-home, etc.). We want to be perfect, but if we were, they might not turn to Him. I have found great help in the little book One Day at a Time in Al-ANON. I have found nothing that contradicts our faith, and in fact, there is an excellent story of the founding of AA (involves a nun) if you can find it. My husband doesn’t drink either, but we both struggle with the effects of our parents mainly. I struggle with prayer, but this little book is something I look forward to reading. It’s a daily thing and you can just replace the word alcoholic with whatever or whoever the struggle.
Here is a quote on perspective from April 20: “When I’m trying too hard to change things, when I forget to let go – when I demand too much, too soon, of myself and others, I’ll ask God to remind me that Easy Does It.”
I also have a friend with my extra copy of Born Only Once you are welcome to if you want me to send from NJ. She will be returning it shorty. Anyway, I am praying for us. God Bless, Michelle
Michelle…thoughtful, reflective words. I thank you for sharing your struggle with me…and know that we are also dealing with generational issues as well.
I would LOVE to read that book if it is at all possible. I am in PA (Philadelphia). I would be more than happy to pay for shipping, etc.
You can contact me at carmelitemom@gmail.com.
Theresa, you know that you always write things in a way I can relate to on a very deep, personal level. Depression and sleep deprivation. Two ugly, perspective changes things that can cloud our minds, hearts, and souls. I am very impressed in your ability to cling to God in such times. I do just the opposite. I get angry, and turn my back. Still. Even though I know that’s not the right thing. When depression is too heavy, I feel abandoned and it hurts that Someone who loves me would do that. Or allow it. Or won’t help (make it stop). I like your thoughts on perspective. We all have our own. I think if you and I could switch places, maybe we’d both be happier
I do remember a priest telling me once that the devil’s biggest temptation is against one’s vocation. To the wife he says “You would have made a great nun” To the priest he says “You would have made a great husband and father”…and so on.
Jen…it took me a very long time (and I still struggle) to come to some level of acceptance. I used to ask *Why would you let a mother and wife suffer sleep deprivation and depression?* OF all things! But in retrospect, I see that through those days, I clung to God with whatever strength I had left…even by a thread some days…and HE ALWAYS carries me through it. How else would I learn to go on by faith alone?
My Carmelite friend and I joke around about fleeing away to a hermitage but we know we are where God wants us. THIS is where we will reach union with Him…by following His will in the smallest of circumstances…and the monotonous…and the annoying…you see my point : )
What a perfect analogy for something so many struggle with … you’ve put it into words that really help us “see” it. Yeah, that regrettable pun (un-pun?) was intended. But thank you!
It was just the perfect *pun* LOL!
You are practicing Christian cognitive therapy.About 20 years ago, a priest taught me how to renounce negative lies and proclaim the truth, one by one in a list. It is more powerful if you speak the words, even it you whisper. A Christian neurologist says that pathways are reformed when we speak aloud and brain patterns CHANGE PHYSICALLY. Isn’t God amazing? This is especially effective for anxiety and depression.-I know
Yes…thanks to my spiritual director, she has helped me to battle those negative thinking patterns.
It is quite amazing : )
Isn’t the human brain amazing. We can change our brain patterns just by speaking God’s truth. When I say ‘just by’ I know from experience that something so simple is not always easy.
Jenny recently posted..Catholic Woman’s Almanac {CWA}
The struggle continues! Trust me! I tend to be a bit negative by nature but by keeping just a thought or acclamation to my Lord continually going, I find that the mere mention of His Holy Name chases out the negative thoughts.
Thank you both for your thoughtful words.
Beautifully put! I know, I struggle with the same thing! God Bless.
Struggling with the same issues of focus and perspective! Thank you for sharing your struggle and encouragement.