…my husband and I have weathered our first teenaged storm, with two more well underway. What did we learn? How do we make a family-centered lifestyle of learning work over the long haul? How do we stay connected to ALL our children?
We begin before the child. We begin with our marriages. Does your husband know with all confidence that despite the fact that you are home all day with your children and you are undertaking their education yourself (a very fulltime job), you have enough of you to give him? Does he know that he comes first? Because he does. And he must. That’s God’s design. The health of your family and the success of home education really are contingent upon the health of your marriage.
The overriding principle of attachment parenting is that we don’t want control, we want relationship. That is, we need to shed our illusion that we can control another human being and focus instead on how we control ourselves and how we meet our own challenges and duties.
Briefly, I want to share with you the Beatitudes for Wives. Let’s talk about how to nurture the lifelong relationship, the one that is left when all your children are grown and gone. The one that nurtures you –and them—now. Living God’s plan for marriage is the best way to achieve the goal of helping each other get to heaven. It’s also the best foundation for our kids. When they have been raised in a genuinely loving environment, they are more likely to respect and honor their parents and embrace the faith as their own.
Your children will see that– in spite of imperfections in their parents– joyful obedience to God is still the standard. That obedience is all the more fruitful when difficult temperaments and real life challenges are involved. Your children will learn that you can’t change someone else. But you can love them.
* Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. (Verse 3)
A wife’s spirit should be simple, joyful and grateful. If you are despairing and you can’t see the joy just now, look harder! That’s it. Turn off the internal conversation that is negative and defeating. Just look harder. It’s there. Surely, God wanted this man for you—look at your children! Look at the real and tangible gifts the union brought forth. This is a blessed and beautiful life and he is a rare and beautiful gift—this man who is open to life and provides the opportunity for this lifestyle. God has a plan and this man most certainly is a part of it. Be Grateful. Always grateful.
* Blessed are the meek: for they shall posses the land. (Verse 4)
We are meek when we submit. St. Paul clearly told wives to submit to their husbands. How we live this command is not contingent upon our husband’s behavior. Indeed, it is contingent upon our relationship with God himself. We are to be obedient and cheerful all the time because it is our duty, our cross, and our joy. When we take this command to heart, our will unites to our husband’s will. They are one will, just as we want nothing more than to want the Father’s will. Jesus didn’t say “Blessed are those who are meek in upholding their 50% in a perfect partnership.” Or “Blessed are the meek who are well-rested and have a cleaning lady come in weekly.” He said, Be Meek.
* Blessed are they who mourn: for they shall be comforted. (Verse 5)
We need to go about our daily round with a cheerful heart and a joyful spirit and it should shine through for all to see. We want to be devoted to our duty and to good works in our homes. Our hearts’ desire is to love these men well and with our whole hearts. Faithful wives don’t look to the world for comfort and joy but seek instead the good, holy, and happy things from God. It’s a simple, happy, interior joy that is genuine, not fleeting and not dependent on what’s on sale at the mall this week.
* Blessed are they that hunger and thirst after justice: for they shall have their fill. (Verse 6)
A blessed wife will turn to God for guidance in all things. We look to the Blessed Mother for comfort and advice. Remember, there is a difference between justice and fairness. Justice is rooted in truth. It’s not contingent upon anything or anyone else. It’s pure. Fairness is relative. I remind my children of this all the time. My good behavior is not contingent upon someone else’s. I don’t care if Patrick made faces at you, you can’t stick your chewed-up gum on his back. It doesn’t matter if your husband forgot to kiss you goodbye this morning and failed to notice how well you pulled off a day with five small children, a challenge in Latin, a cranky baby, and a steak dinner. You still have to be genuinely kind and merciful and generous with time, attention, and love. It’s not always fair. But it is just.
* Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy. (Verse 7)
A faithful wife shows mercy to her husband, quickly forgiving his offenses and seeking to accept him for who he is. Homeschooling moms tend to be introspective types. We work hard on self-improvement. We think -– a lot. We have to be very, very careful not to fall into the trap of expressing ourselves in terms of his change. I am not my husband’s Holy Spirit. God is quite capable. I leave the changemaking to Him. Seek first and always to understand. We want to be understood but we need to seek to understand. God will provide. He will.
* Blessed are the clean of heart: for they shall see God. (Verse 
A holy wife intends her words and actions for the good of her family– not for praise, to prove she’s right or to win the holy competition. We offer it all to God—all of it. If you wouldn’t say it to Jesus, don’t say it.
* Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God. (Verse 9)
Sometimes, it’s really better to say nothing. Sometimes, what I have to say isn’t worth the relationship, with husbands or children. This may mean letting a problem go altogether or waiting until a better time to bring it up. Good wives make it a practice not to complain about, belittle, or speak harshly to anyone in their homes. You may need to turn to one friend who is helping you to grow in holiness and be honest about your struggles with spouse or children, but never, ever run them down to anyone. In all things, charity, particularly when it comes to hearth and home.
* Blessed are they that suffer persecution for justice’ sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. (Verse 10)
This goes with verse 6 and it’s interesting to me, when considering the beatitudes in the context of marriage, that Christ seems to emphasize justice. Next time you think, “It’s not fair!” ask yourself, “is it just?” Christ will console you.
Okay, so this is hard. It’s way harder than teaching algebra. I’d venture to say that for some of you, it’s going to be the hardest thing you’ll ever be called to do. But I promise you it will bring joy to your relationships. Our children will learn volumes watching their parents over the course of a lifetime. What will they learn? Is it tender? Is it faithful? Is it true?
Living this vocation faithfully brings lasting “joy” for generations. And heaven. Our vocations as wives and mothers will bring us to heaven. All in all, as Kim Fry is fond of saying, it’s not a bad way to suffer.
I hear you thinking, “she doesn’t know my husband. She doesn’t know how difficult he is, she doesn’t know how hard I work, she doesn’t know the load he lets me carry.” I do. I’ve talked with you or someone very like you. I’ve walked with you. And my husband, God bless him, will tell you that he is intense and passionate and decisive and quirky, definitely not the mellow and passive type.
Just as we are steadfast and gentle with the nursing baby up for the tenth time at night, just as we are sweet and present and consistent with a special needs child, a rebellious adolescent, a difficult child, we can be good to our husbands all the time. The Venerable Anne de Guigne said : “We have lots of joys here on earth, but they do not last; the only joy that lasts is to have made a sacrifice.”
It sounds daunting; it’s completely countercultural, but you can do all things in Christ who strengthens you. I think when we break down the task of submission and joyful motherhood into daily increments, it is very doable. Can we wake up each morning and smile at our husbands and children, providing for their many needs, being cheerful (or at least silent) when things are difficult? Can we honor our husbands with our lips towards our children? Can we be compassionate and thankful for the hard work they do each day? Can we have meals prepared and our homes welcoming so that when they walk in the door, they feel loved and our children know that our hearts are invested in their daddies? Can we be tender and kindhearted at the end of the day? Can we offer ourselves completely? By the grace of God, we can. And the blessings that come with a holy marriage will spill over into family life in abundance. Together, you and your husband will embrace a lifestyle that is unparalleled in its goodness.
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Very good, thought-provoking post…..and conversation here.
Glad I found it, the beatitudes for Marriage, as a former homeschooling mom and wife, I exercised much of these tenets, thankfully, my knight is an amazingly understanding and patient fella!
Blessings to all!
There is a new song by Audrey Assad called “Blessed Are The Ones,” and I just happened to be listening to it and reading this post at the same time. I like it when God gives us those little “coincidences.” Thank you for being willing to share so much of your vocation and your journey.
Thank you so much for re-posting this essay: it was exactly what I needed to read today. The monotony of my husband working six days a week, and my homeschooling our three kids and running the house has worn me down. I have been praying for refreshment, some encouragement … and He answered me through your beautiful words.
Wonderful thoughts to pray on. I struggle with the submission part because of our personalities…my dh is the sweet and gentle introvert. He is married to an intense and opinionated extrovert. Sure makes things interesting
. I have be to careful not to tread on his leadership efforts. They are there. They just aren’t as loud as mine. 
What a grace to realize his leadership qualities are there. I have heard too many women say, “Well, he’s not really a leader, so one of us has to be…”
What a great gift for married and unmarried people to read this post! Wishing I had read this many years ago, but years ago I was ignorant and arrogant and would not have taken these words.
Thank you Elizabeth for sharing this post here, I read your blog daily, but am enjoying these old posts from before I was reading you.
Happy St Valentine’s day to all of you lovely ladies!
Dear Elizabeth,
I am so glad Suscipio is reposting your writings. Though, I have only recently started following your blog, I feel as if you have become a mentor of sorts for me. How grateful I am! My husband and I are married almost two years and have our one-year-old “blessing”, Benedikt. We have been struggling something fierce. He has a versatile MA degree and so much other experience and has applied for more than eighteen thousand jobs. We have been living with my parents (this has been very terrible and not in a childish way) for more than a year. We realize gold is tried in the furnace of Love and Mercy. Now, my husband is preparing to join the Navy (as a last resort). Please keep us in your prayers. May God reward you for sharing your heart.
I think I can safely say ALL of us will pray for you and your family! Glad you’re here!
Praying for your family!
Thanks for your kinds words! I’m praying for you and your family:-)
I just wanted to tell you we are in the exact same predicament. My husband has his master’s, has been applying for jobs for over a year, we’re living with my parents and raising our 8 month old. In a few months, my DH will be leaving for Air Force basic training. If it would help you, please feel free to email me! Praying for you and your family.
I agree with nearly all of this post, but one point jumped out at me as a protestant construct and while it sounds really pretty and nice it is not proper Catholic teaching. Catholics should always begin at the beginning of a passage to know the meaning rather than in the middle as do so many non-Catholic Christian groups.
This author wrote, “We are meek when we submit. St. Paul clearly told wives to submit to their husbands. How we live this command is not contingent upon our husband’s behavior…. We are to be obedient and cheerful all the time because it is our duty, our cross, and our joy.”
First, Paul FIRST told husbands and wives to submit to one another before God. This submission is about partnership and equal dignity before God. We don’t do submission that violates our equal dignity before God.
Second, our obedience is ALWAYS contingent on the rightness of the command. We owe NO ONE, not even our Bishops, obedience to any command which is violates God’s teachings. A women of God we are responsible for refusing any command that would have us do wrong even a little bit.
Third, the mutual submission is fleshed out with details in the rest of the passage. Wives’ submission is in the context of MUTUAL submission. Just as husbands are prone to forget to love their wives as Christ loves the Church, so too women tend to forget that they are partners and not the boss!
Fourth, when our obedience is based our our equal dignity before God, mutual submission, and using our brains it will have meaning. What man worth his salt wants a wife who is not his equal?
Catholicism does not put women in the place of dogs to obey blindly so never begin this passage anywhere past the START of the passage: MUTUAL SUBMISSION BEFORE GOD.
Hi Ann,
You brought up some great points I would like to address.
You are correct that this passage, Ephesians 5:21, begins with a mutual subjection to each other, but it is based on a reverence for Christ, not on the attitude or behavior of my spouse. The very next passage tells wives to be subject to their husbands as to the Lord. This is not based on an equal subjection as described by the next verse, “For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the Church…” There has to be a head, a leader, in the relationship. This is not a master/slave relationship, but a mutually loving and giving relationship, where there also happens to be a clearly defined head.
Of course we never submit to any authority, husband, Bishop, priest, etc…that is demanding us to defy God’s law.
My submission to my husband though is not dependent on his mutual submission to me, or even his pleasant attitude; that would always be a flawed and selfish submission because we are both fallen, sinful creatures. My submission to my husband is solely dependent on the command from God to me, and my submission to God the Father.
This marital submission is not a give and take situation, only a give situation on my part {again, barring sin}. Just as God’s instruction to my husband, to love me as Christ loves the Church is not based on my behavior, my submission is not based on his behavior.
And the final exhortation from St Paul {vs 33} is for husbands to love their wives and for wives to respect their husbands. The commands are clearly not the same and not based on how well one spouse holds up their end.
I think we are ending up at the same point, but taking a different route to get there.
God bless you Ann for sharing your heart in the comments here today.
That was so eloquently put Jenny. You have put it into words that are understandable…and yet beautiful.
I am sick in bed today and honestly do not have the energy to adequately answer the point by point criticism. Let me simply say that I have never thought myself as a dog blindly obeying anyone, nor would I encourage other women to think that way. In granting permission to publish the notes from a talk I gave, I have full confidence that my readers will read it in the conversational tone in which those notes were delivered and that they will grant the grace of good will. Since chapter and verse are not quoted in the notes, it is my hope that Catholic women will turn to their Bibles and read both Ephesians 5 and Colossians 3 in their entirety. If a woman or a couple is struggling to understand and live these truths, I encourage them to seek spiritual direction from a good priest.
I am sorry you are sick Elizabeth. I will also keep you in prayer and will attend to those scripture readings tonight during prayer…thank you.
I loved this Teresa and I am printing it as well. I am an old married woman, but still much to learn as I try and try to be obedient to our Beloved Lord Jesus and our Blesessed Mother Mary.
I love St. Teresa of Avila…..and she has been given to me by my Fraternity to walk with me in the year 2012. My dear friend, St. Teresa, please share your profound wisdom with me.
God bless you Teresa…please keep sharing your beautiful writing with us!
Colleen
I’m going to print these beatitudes and keep them in my Bible. Thank you Elizabeth for your wisdom.
Elizabeth~I really have no words for this post. I can’t explain how much it is speaking to my heart…how much it is affecting me at this moment…one who has many burdens. It’s hard to explain when the Spirit’s inspiration is so powerful, one is left in awe. But I can at least thank you for sharing some of your archives with us. Blessed St.Valentine’s Day to you : )
Praying for you, Theresa!
Dear Theresa,
I’m lighting a candle for you today!
Thanks so much Elizabeth…I appreciate your prayers and concern even with a large family of your own. Thanks for always inspiring yet remaining very real.
Beautiful post. It reminds me of what Mother Teresa said to some married couples once: “Smile at each other.” One of them said, “Are you married?” And Mother Teresa said, “Yes, and sometimes Jesus is very demanding!”
Emily~I remember reading that before and absolutely loved it…she is so raw and honest and not without a sense of humor…like our Holy Mother in Carmel, St. Teresa of Avila.
She and Mother Angelica just shock me sometimes with their clarity. And it’s often right when I need it! And God bless St. Teresa of Avila, I LOVE her. Re-reading Interior Castle right now.