Elizabeth Foss has been so generous in opening her archives to Suscipio. If you are not familiar with Elizabeth, please stop by for a visit. She embodies the true Titus spirit .
This was a repost of hers, from March 2010.
For the first time in a very long time, I am neither pregnant nor mothering a baby. My “baby” is now two years old. And with a certainty that takes my breath away, I suddenly understand why wise women always told me that the time would go so quickly. To be sure, I’ve had more “baby time” than most women. My first baby will be 16 in a few days. I still think it’s over much too soon.
This column is for mothers of infants and toddlers. I am going to attempt to do something I never thought I’d do: I’m going to empathize while not in your situation. My hope is that it is all so fresh in my memory that I can have both perspective and relevance.
What you are doing, what you are living, is very difficult. It is physically exhausting. It is emotionally and spiritually challenging. An infant is dependent on you for everything. It doesn’t get much more daunting: there is another human being who needs you for his very life. Your life is not your own at all. You must answer the call (the cry) of that baby, regardless of what you have planned. This is dying to self in a very pure sense of the phrase. And you want to be with him. You ache for him. When he is not with you, a certain sense of restlessness edges its way into your consciousness, and you are not at complete peace.
If you are so blessed that you have a toddler at the same time, you wrestle with your emotions. Your former baby seems so big and, as you settle to nurse your baby and enjoy some quiet gazing time, you try desperately to push away the feeling that the great, lumbering toddler barreling her way toward you is an intruder. Your gaze shifts to her eyes, and there you see the baby she was and still is, and you know that you are being stretched in ways you never could have imagined.
This all might be challenge enough if you could just hunker down in your own home and take care of your children for the next three years; but society requires that you go out — at least into the marketplace. So you juggle nap schedules and feeding schedules and snowsuits and carseats. Just an aside about carseats: I have literally had nightmares about installing carseats. These were not dreams that I had done it wrong or that there had been some tragedy. In my dreams I am simply exhausted, struggling with getting the thing latched into the seat of the car and then getting my baby latched into the carseat. I’m fairly certain anyone else who has ever had four of these mechanical challenges lined up in her van has had similar dreams. It’s the details that overwhelm you, drain you, distract you from the nobility of it all. The devil is in the details.
You will survive. And here is the promise: if you pray your way through this time, if you implore the Lord at every turn, if you ask Him to take this day and this time and help you to give Him something beautiful, you will grow in ways unimagined.
And the day will come when no one is under two years old. You will — with no one on your lap — look at your children playing contentedly together without you. And you will sigh. Maybe, like me, you will feel your arms are uncomfortably empty, and you will pray that you can hold a baby just once more. Or maybe, you will sense that you are ready to pass with your children to the next stage.
This is the place where nearly two decades of mothering babies grants me the indulgence of sharing what I would have done differently.
::I would have had far fewer obligations outside my home. Now, I see that there is plenty of time for those. I wish I’d spent a little more time just sitting with that baby instead of trying to “do it all.”
::I wish I’d quieted the voices telling me that my house had to look a certain way. I look around now and I recognize that those houses that have “that look” don’t have these children. Rarely are there a perfectly-kept house and a baby and a toddler under one roof. Don’t listen to the voices that tell you that it can be done. It should not be done. I wish I hadn’t spent 16 years apologizing for the mess. Just shoot for “good enough.” Cling to lower standards and higher goals.
::I wish I’d taken more pictures, shot more video and kept better journals. I console myself with the knowledge that my children have these columns to read. They’ll know at least as much about their childhoods as you do.
::I wish I could have recognized that I would not be so tired forever, that I would not be standing in the shallow end of the pool every summer for the rest of my life, that I would not always have a baby in my bed (or my bath or my lap). If I could have seen how short this season is (even if mine was relatively long), I would have savored it all the more.
::And I wish I had thanked Him more. I prayed so hard. I asked for help. But I didn’t thank Him nearly enough. I didn’t thank Him often enough for the sweet smell of a newborn, for the dimples around pudgy elbows and wrists, for the softening of my heart, for the stretching of my patience, for the paradoxical simplicity of it all. A baby is a pure, innocent, beautiful embodiment of love. And his mother has the distinct privilege, the unparalleled joy, of watching love grow.
Don’t blink. You’ll miss it.
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This is a wonderful post,,, I also do nit have small children at home anymore, you all give me so much inspiration..
I thank God that I found this essay, as well as the mothers here who share much of what I believe is true. I have 7 living children ages 2yr old twins to 22. I am 44 and pregnant with my 11th. Since it wasn’t planned….and I smile because my semi-practicing husband, although respecting my adherance to the faith, didn’t want children. (Except for the 2(7&5) that I allready had when we were married in the church) I begged for our first and he said ok. We used NFP to conceive. After this, he never rejected NFP, but didn’t want anything to do with the classes. I just winged it, since I always seemed to be nursing a baby. I left it up to God, which may seem careless to some – at least most of my family.
I do homeschool and worry that the children I have now aren’t getting the full course work, but am reminded that their souls are the most important. Well, honestly, I feel I am neglecting that some too. And yet, people are constantly talking about our children and how special and well mannered they are. They notice how close they are with one another and how they get along and treat each other.
I conceived at 44, with the marital embrace on day 9. Can a person be this fertile? Is it for a reason? I struggle with negative thoughts such as “It’s just your carelessness and weakness, not My Will, but yours Michelle.” (Even though my will doesn’t include all of this hard work and worry) With my husband and I having some emotional issues that stem from alcoholic parents that seem to make for struggle at times, as well as our age (He is 53 and ready for military retirement at 60), I say surely I could stop having them and in fact purposely refrained until that day 9.
Although he is distressed with the infant stage, I have watched him grow into this incredibly demanding job of fatherhood and also his faith. He doesn’t lead us in scripture or the family rosary as I would like, but he is a man of virtue and character. I continue to pray for his full conversion and try not to nettle or push.
In my anquish and fear of “How am I going to do this?” I am nursing (painfully now with extremely tender breasts) two toddlers and they don’t seem to want to stop anytime soon. I have slacked on school due to their birth, illness and moving recently. My beautiful 9 yr. old daughter hasn’t made her 1st communion yet! Ugh. I prayed and begged for God’s peace on the matter and I heard His voice say that “My grace is sufficient for you.” I will take it prayerfully one day at a time.
I am having somes signs of poss. miscarriage at 6 weeks and will admit to mixed feelings. At first I shamefully thought it ideal, but as the time is passing and I am wondering, I lean toward it’s birh amidst the fear and struggle. I honestly don’t want to do anything but God’s will – however difficult.
God Bless.
Michelle
Oh, with baby number 6 in my arms sleeping now as I type this (I’m talented, aren’t I?) tears are streaming down my face as I have all these worries about trying to school again and get back to some kind of normal, with a newborn.
Thank you, thank you for this post at the perfect time for me to remind myself to enjoy it a little more.
I love the line “The devil is in the details” I can so relate to that one with my impatience, whether it’s carseats or water all over the counter from a toddler in the sink, or coats and hats and boots all over the floor. I’ll remember that one and try to get rid of him.
Again, a timely post for me this week. It brought tears to my eyes because as I prepare for baby four due in two weeks and plan a first birthday party for my little one around that same time, snxiety can be consuming. And fear takes over. This post blessed me today. Thank you. I will be reposting at my blog, but will also be re-reading over and over again.
Right there with you Sarah. I am 33 weeks along, celebrating an 8 year old birthday today, and then a 12 year old birthday in two weeks.
I’m glad you stopped by for a visit and found the encouragement your heart needed.
Hi Folks, I am new to this blog, and its lovely,so gentle. I have 5 children 5-17 and unlike a lot of catholic blogs, I am not homeschooling. So I am now in the position of sending my dear young one off for his first day at school on Tuesday (Australian schools start on 31st jan)…My dear little guy was our surprise package and it only seems like yesterday that he was coming home from the hospital as a wee little babe in arms….
The funny thing is that in a sense he has 4 extra parents who are all planning to take him on his first day. Such is the love of siblings in a larger family….
I am really happy for him starting this new adventure, but also tinged with sadness as for the first time in almost 18 years I won’t have a preschool aged child at home with me…Its a mixture of excitement (silence and solitude for which I crave) and a sense of loneliness, that there is noone here with me to share my day….
Anyone aware of any catholic blogs that are not homeschool based…happy to stay and pretend…
Hi Marie, I’m glad you stopped by. Fortunately, you are in the right place, home school mother or not. This is a site devoted to the support of Catholic women, and there are lots of Catholic women who do not home school, so welcome!
Marie…please stay and hang out with us : )
Even though I am homeschooling my youngest, I have three older children who went to school…so I have a mixture.
Thanks guys, Its good to find some other catholic mums out there who understand the challenges, but who equally value the place that God has placed them in. At least by having the kids at school I will have time to engage with my God, to pray, to seek intimacy with God, to expand my soul in order to allow Him to fill it with his love….At least I will have more silence and solitude…the reality of kids and homes and marriage is the jobs are never all done…
No worries Marie. I have two little ones and I’m not planning on homeschooling.God Bless
Oh how I needed to read this. I have such a outlook this time as I await our new baby in the coming weeks. My next youngest child is 6, and in those years where I thought he was my last, I gained so much perspective on how fast time flies, on what I would have done differently, on how I wish wish wish I could do it longer. And by the grace of God, I DO get to do it longer.
And this time, I get to do it with the perspective that will make these upcoming years ones to cherish.
I’ve never read this post of yours before, Elizabeth. It’s beautiful.
Ah, perspective…Sometimes I get bogged down in the day to day and forget the old saying, “The days are long but the years are short.” I pray to keep those years before me and not hustle through the minutes.
I am reading this through tears. Yes…I, too, have posted about regrets and how they grow all too quickly and how many lost moments…
I am grateful that I can homeschool my youngest, who is 7 yrs., who is pure joy and I grasp those moments with her and I imprint them on my mind…I never want to forget…or regret.
Thank you Elizabeth…for sharing.
I originally wrote this piece when my seventh baby was two years old. I was so sure my baby years were over and so, so sad. I find myself revisiting some of the same emotions now, seven years later, when my eighth baby is 5 and my ninth is 3. This time, my own age echoes the certainty that the season is past. And I read these words, grateful that I did take my own advice and I have cherished every moment of babyhood with my late-in-life gifts.
I guess it hits home especially when I lost several after my youngest due to my age. I am at a point, too, when age takes over and children are no longer a possiblity. It is a grieving process but yet another journey in which God calls us closer to Him. Thank you for your kind words.
Elizabeth, I wondered how this would feel, this revisiting an old post when you have added more children to your family and grown in more grace and wisdom. Thank you for sharing your heart in the comments, so many years after the actual post.